“The way you remember it is the way that it is.” - Strike a Chord of Silence, CG Walters
I have been given reason to be suspicious of personal lore, those self-defining stories of the past—’memories’ if you must—whether my own or those of another. Though aware that self-analysis, specimen studying self, lacks all scientific objectivity, my lore has lead me to expect that assessments of my own experience exaggerate proportionately to the time passed since that experience. Even compensating this anticipated distortion does not guarantee any additional creditability, because one cannot obtain an objective reference point from which to determine the amount of adjustment necessary to reflect the original occurrence of the event.
It seems there is an initial emotional response to any significant experience. Emotions being energy, and energy having mass, per the principle of linear momentum (with objects in a closed isolated system, the total linear momentum of a system remains constant), the distance between actuality and personal perception of an event will increase indefinitely if allowed to progress without intervention. Then, few things pass through this world without some form of intervention. By whatever fortune, the self of the past is not born of immutable material.
*****
The clearest memory of my life is one I would give anything to forget. The face of my old man, bastard that he was, is burned into my mind—that sardonic smile. His hot, dominating hand was wrapped around my little arm, pulling me to face him, so I could not avoid his torment.
And the derisive tone of his voice: “Don’t you think?!”
I have hated him for that one memory. Then, I would have to say I have hated him for being right. He knew then the failure I would become. I wonder if it was on that day that he saw my future as the long string of deserved calamity it would be.
*****
It is true, I suspect, what I imagined I experienced at any given time—and I must say ‘imagined’ because the actual event was perceived through the collection of psychological, emotional, and cultural filters that I had assimilated up to that event, thereby making it impossible to perceive anything as it occurred in physical reality (if you believe in such a thing as a single, undeniable actuality)—What I imagined at that time may be a far cry from what I tell you today. Despite that, I can promise you what I tell you today is exactly what I remember happening, experience by emotion, sensation by excitation.
Many people are willing to accept that experiences and memories of the past become guides for our choices in the present, thereby dictating the future. Most people see these memories or experiences as defined once and never changing. I, on the other hand, am forced to view them as a more fluid commodity.
Just consider that the initial perception, therefore the memory, was never a scientifically accurate recording of the event that took place. One is only reacting to perception or analysis of the event. Therefore, it is not the event that shapes the future, only our continued response to the event.
Let’s say you can tolerate this notion for a moment. If one’s current and future analysis of a memory changes, then the way it structures our life changes. For all intent and purpose, the original event has changed. Whether or not the actual event changes in the space/time that it occurred is a metaphysical question to pursue at another time.
I would not attempt to claim that a fluid past is the case for everyone. It is possible to imagine there are people who build all their memories concretely (though this does not avoid the initial ‘personal perspective’ distortion) and these memories remain unaffected thereafter. But, it seems to me that for most people the majority of their experiences are constantly transforming/remaking themselves in such a way, without their ever noticing the development. How can you see the change, when it is the ‘seeing’ that changes?
Since becoming aware of it, I have noticed that this alchemy does not take place with all experiences of every person. If their current definition of an experience is compatible with their explanation of self or situation, the perception most often remains unchanged.
*****
I remember my father as a man of strong personality, perhaps even charismatic. Though he was not the most approachable of parents, the times I spent with him had a deciding effect on me. I remember one such event, when I had made a questionable choice.
That strong, guiding hand grasped my little arm. His smile, as always, had an ambiguous quality about it. Looking into my eyes, he spoke firmly, but not harshly, “Don’t you think you could have made a better choice?”
That moment has probably made the single biggest impact of any experience in my life. Its signature is on my every major choice. Even today, before the most important decision of my life, I struggle for the better choice. If only I had his assistance now.
*****
Not all redefinitions are selective or limited. There are revelations so powerful, delivering a previously foreign perception, that moves through the self with an indiscriminate, if not total, redefinition. This can come slowly, as an adopted belief system one incorporates lesson by lesson. Or, it can come as an overwhelming force, a shock to the system, or an epiphany.
Of the overwhelming type, some are brought by forceful catalysts: the untimely death of a dearest loved one, an invading army or storm, any great personal tragedy. The most mysterious to me—and often most powerful—are so subtle in their progression that when they finally become overt the mere awareness of them does more to shatter the existing definition of personal reality than the change their makeup would otherwise initiate. They are the seed that prospers in a recess of the garden—completely unknown by the most attentive gardener—until the startling discovery of this towering ‘weed’. Then a weed is only something unintended, unexpected or presently unappreciated.
It may find you grasping. Who am I? What am I that an idea so contrary to the self I know, or knew myself to be, could even find an ear to fall upon?
Perhaps the source of this turmoil was merely a characteristic or experience believed successfully hidden or forgotten, now demanding its freedom or recognition. Sometimes it is a personality trait previously unrealized because a fostering environment had never been encountered. Either way, the change can be distressing.
Believing oneself unable to trust others makes one cautious. Feeling unable to trust life makes one bitter. But, to frequently bring into question the ability to anticipate oneself, will either bring one face to face with insanity or illumination, depending on how rigidly one holds to the evolving self definition.
A memory or perception may prove itself credible in seclusion, but when placed in context or comparison with a greater whole it may become untenable. This happens to an irrational prejudice when confronted with the object of the narrow-mindedness that embodies characteristics contradicting the premise of the bigotry. The self then struggles to retain the previously comfortable opinion and will either collapse into a redefinition under the strain of the effort—much as the intended effect of a Zen koan—or withdraw into itself, where it can retain and reinforce the dubious ‘truth’.
Sometimes nothing has come to pass to place the recollection of the event into question, but the effect of the perception has proven unquestionably injurious, forcing the mind, by wisdom or by instinct for survival, to redefine. Though not restricted to or guaranteed by, this is common to the slow process of aging…a making of the judicious, or—if resisted—the foolish.
If the core of our self believed a response to an experience was an incontrovertible truth—which it can never be—it would defy any transformation. However, I quietly watch the shifts of estimation pass—if I see them at all—for initial perception is but the most convenient definition at the time. Truth is but a resting place until the next revelation.
*****
Those bright, adoring eyes warmed me to the core. His smile always gave me a flood of joy. I can still feel the soft, gentleness of his hand coming to rest on my little arm.
Without any tone of judgment or disappointment, he responded to my mistake: “Do you think you could have made a better choice?”
Without feeling rushed or threatened, I took time to consider. “Yes,” I nodded.
“So, you are the wiser for the experience, and will benefit from it the next time you choose.” With this, father rubbed my back.
I felt great pain when he passed on, but I have never felt as if I have lost him. He left with me the security that even in mistake and misfortune there can be promise in the future.
*****
Aware of the fluidity of past, having brought this dear memory out to savor again I know that it will not have gone unaffected by the personal inclinations that define me today. I can only hope that I have cultivated this experience as to produce the sweeter wine tomorrow.
Copyright 2007 CG Walters
**Disclaimer: For me, truth is personal and the consciousness that created the world before us is so complex that it can and does simultaneously manifest an infinite number of realities that sometimes appear to the human mind to be diametrically opposed to one another.
C.G. Walters primarily writes fiction that focuses on the mystical, metaphysical, and mythical insight that we all possess. He sees fiction not as something less than truth, but something akin to a mantra…a means to induce the reader into comfortably ‘allowing’ their personal truth-a living, ever progressing truth, fit to their need at any given time.
His current novel, Sacred Vow is first and foremost a metaphysical love story, a tale of soul mates-twin flames-a journey toward our one true love…in its infinite expressions…bringing together two individuals from disparate realities-but one spirit-to heal the rift in the Collective Consciousness.
Get the full length FREE PDF of Sacred Vow by going to www.cgwalters.com/spirit_story.htm and clicking on the link in the page to download the eBook. This will allow you to save the book to your disk. Purchase a signed paperback copy from http://sacredvow.dragonsbeard.com – or buy from your favorite brick and mortar, or online store (Amazon.com).
This copyrighted article may be freely reprinted as long as the entire article and complete by line is included.
